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The Most Fruitless Question A Parent Can Ask
by Saralee Sky

Picture this: You walk in to your family room. A moment ago it was a peaceful scene, with your two children playing quietly. Now all is chaos. Your 1 year old is squalling, milk and cereal dripping down his face. The dog is happily lapping up the puddle of milk and cereal that made it to the floor. Your 4 year old is standing there, a guilty smile on her face, her milky spoon still in her hand. And what do you do? You look at your 4 year old and demand, "Why did you DO that?" And what does she say? "I don't know." Or worse, "Because."

Here is the real answer: She probably doesn't know and you will never know. Maybe your 1 year old actually deserved it. Maybe your 4 year old wanted to see what the baby looked like with milk on his face. Maybe the devil told her to do it. Bottom line: it doesn't matter. Asking why is the most fruitless question you will ever ask.

Frederick Perls father of Gestalt Therapy states in his book Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, "I know you want to ask why to get rationalization or explanation. But the why at best leads to clever explanation, never to an understanding." He goes on to say that every event has many causes. All kinds of factors and experiences come together to create the moment that is now and the person that is your child at this moment in time.

Give up on why. Trying to pinpoint the motive(s) of your child's behavior is a futile exercise, and one guaranteed to cause you grief. Look instead at the now and the how. Now is all that truly exists. The past is gone, the future yet to be. How describes the structure of Now, and includes behavior and everything else that is happening in the moment.

Let's go back to my opening example. The Now you encounter is your 1 year old with milk and cereal and tears on his face, your dog lapping up the mess and your 4 year old standing there with her spoon in her hand. It is definitely her cereal all over your 1 year old. A better question to ask is, "What happened here?"

In Gestalt Therapy theory, we always respond to the most pressing unfinished situation first. As I see it, the crying baby with the milk and cereal all over him is the most pressing need to be attended to. Pick him up, clean him off and comfort him. All the while listen to your 4 year old if indeed she is speaking at all. Give her a towel to help you clean up the mess on the floor, but do not yell at her. Use this time to calm yourself and everyone else down.

When you are finished cleaning up and your 1 year old is calmer, look directly at your 4 year old and ask her again to tell you how the milk and cereal got all over the baby. She may tell you a story about how the baby was bugging her or crying or grabbing for the cereal. Perhaps she will even tell you she got mad and poured the cereal over the baby's head. Maybe not. You are not looking for justification here, just a recapping of what happened when you were out of the room. If she is unable or unwilling to talk, do not force the issue.

At this point you can talk to her about using words when she is angry or calling to you for help if the baby is bugging her. You can also tell her that pouring cereal over her brother's head is never an option. If it is blatantly her fault, a 3-4 minute time-out may be necessary. What is really of no real importance is the why. Her actual behavior is now the most important unfinished situation to deal with, not why she did what she did. She is testing out her world and trying out new behaviors and you are there to help her learn what the acceptable limits are in any given situation.

Many valuable minutes, hours, and sleepless nights are wasted on trying to assign motives to children's (and adult's) behavior. "She's jealous...she's angry...she's mean...she's manipulative...she's tired." Any or all may apply. The motive is the why. The behavior is the how. It is not up to you to discern the true motive and then pass judgment upon that motive. Ignore the motive and focus on the behavior. You have no right to tell her what to feel. You do have the right to correct her behavior. See the difference?

Why should you do what I tell you to do?

Because... :)

About the Author
By Saralee Sky, M.A. Ms Sky has 30+ years of experience with children, as a mother and grand mother, as a therapist for abused children, as the director of three nonprofit agencies serving children, and as co-owner and manager of Womb To Grow LLC and www.babynut.com . Babynut provides natural, organic and alternative products for pregnancy, adoption, childbirth, parenting, babies and toddlers.

The BITs Kit is a program developed to help parents improve their child's behavior using a technique called Behavior Modification. This technique helps you shape your child's behavior by giving you the means to reward positive behavior and establish consequences for negative behavior. The idea is that the behavior you are rewarding will increase in frequency whereas the consequences will help eliminate problem behaviors. It's simple really; reward good behavior and it will happen more often.

Rewards are often thought of as bribes, and in some cases, they are. However, a good behavior modification program will ensure that the rewards are related to the overall goals of appropriate behavior. Rather than offering candy or toys for displaying good manners, you would offer a reward that encourages positive social interaction. An effective reward might be an extra trip to the playground after school. If your child demonstrates improved manners then it would make sense that they be allowed more time to play games that require sharing, taking turns, and saying thank you. What the child will learn is that there is a purpose to using good manners and that it is in his best interest to do so.

Similarly, a good behavior modification program will set up consequences that discourage negative behavior. In the above example, an appropriate consequence for poor manners would be that the child is not allowed to visit the playground after school. The consequence is logical and sends a powerful message to the child, "If you want to play with others, you'll have to show improved manners." Tying rewards and consequences directly to the behaviors you're trying to teach helps the child internalize the rules and generalize them to other similar circumstances.

In addition to using behavior modification to teach proper behavior, the BITs Kit provides an approach that encourages families to work together as they navigate through the stages of childhood. Rather than being at cross purposes engaged in a power struggle, parents and children are led through a process of setting mutual goals. Families are also given tools that aid them in creating open communication, consistent rules, and fair expectations. Everyone benefits from the process, and it creates opportunities for many meaningful experiences together.

Helping a child grow and learn the rules of appropriate behavior can be a difficult task. As with any difficult task, it helps to have tools that make the process easier and more effective. That is the goal of the BITs Kit--to make parenting just a bit easier!

About the Author
Katie Basson is a parent, teacher, and creator of The BITs Kit Better Behavior Kit for Kids™. Katie teaches seminars on behavior modification techniques, and assists parents through challenging behavioral and educational issues. She serves on the Board of Directors of the YWCA and is an educational advisor to Zoesis, Inc., a children's software company. Katie's expert advice has been sought for articles in The Boston Globe and Parents Magazine. Sign up for her biweekly Parenting Solutions newsletter at www.bitskit.com.

A Child's Self Image
by Sue DeFiore

With all the focus on weight today it is not surprising that children are starting to look at their bodies at earlier ages. Children as young as 7 years of age are asking parents about their bodies. Where are they getting it from? Well, I would imagine television, magazines and the internet are some of the places. However, as we were all children once, it is also coming from other children. I can still remember well kids making fun of other children. While I never participated in it, I was a recipient of it, so I know how it feels. While mine wasn't weight related, it still hurts. From what I am seeing and reading it is even nastier and more prevalent in our schools today.

So, what do you say to your child when they ask you if you think they are overweight, fat, or whatever adjective was used by another child when taunting them. As hard as it is, you will need to convey to your child that everyone is different. How we look and grow will depend on how we take care of our bodies. Explain to them how body types are dependent upon family, eating habits and physical activity. Also be sure to tell them that they are and will be growing and changing until their teens. If you have pictures of yourself or others in childhood and then adulthood show them those pictures to give them an idea of changes that occur.

Please be sure to talk to your child and do so carefully and seriously about this. It is very very important that your child realize he must eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, to take his/her vitamins and to drink their milk. Don't just ignore this discussion. Children are growing up faster and faster today and becoming aware much earlier in life of their body image. How children and adults view themselves is one of the classic signs of anorexia and other eating disorders.

If you feel you are not qualified to handle their questions, please consult a professional to do so.

Copyright 2005, DeFiore Enterprises

About The Author
Introducing Keep Kids Fit: A How To Guide For Setting Up And Running Your Own Business In One Year Or Less! Solutions for parents who want healthy children in body and mind! Our motto, "Eat Healthy, Live Healthy, Help Keep Kids Fit Keep Kids Fit asks the question: Do You Want To Help Foster A Healthy Lifestyle For Your Child! If you answered yes, then visit our web blog at: http://hbsblogs.typepad.com/keepkidsfit/ and visit our website today at: http://www.keepkidsfit.com suedefiore@sbcglobal.net