child0505

How Is Peaceful Parenting® Different?
by Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D.

Peaceful Parenting® ideas are very different from other kinds of parenting practices that you have learned or read about. Certainly it is harder to practice Peaceful Parenting® than to simply threaten or bribe your child into following your directions or making what you consider to be the "right choices. But what is the heart of the difference between Peaceful Parenting® and other programs?

Simply put, Peaceful Parenting® follows the idea that human beings are internally motivated. Children (and parents) do what they do because of what is going on inside of them. The world outside of the child (and the parents) gives the child information. But the child decides what to do with this information based on what is going on inside the child at the time.

So when you ask your 7-year old to come inside for supper, your child hears your request as information. Based on what is going on for this child, he will behave accordingly. One child might decide to run inside as you have asked because he is very hungry. Or another child might decide to play one more inning of kick ball with her friends. Yes, she has heard your request. Yes, she wants to eat supper. But she also wants to play one more inning because it is her turn to kick and she knows she will kick the winning run!

Contrary to what you may have learned in other parenting programs, children cannot be manipulated into behaving just as we want them to. Unfortunately there is a lot of information in our culture that would lead parents to believe that they can, should and must control their children.

The reality is that people are not easily controlled. In fact the very urge to control others may result in those others resisting harder because they do not want to feel controlled. If people were as easily manipulated and controlled as our culture represents you too would be easily controlled and manipulated.

For instance, do you have the ability to resist buying everything that is advertised to you in the media? Of course you do! Even the "bribes, positive reinforcements or carrots the advertisers offer with rebates and sale prices does not mean that you must purchase every thing, willy nilly. You decide to purchase a product because you need or want a specific item, not because of the enticement of advertising.

Do you have the ability to resist your child's unhealthy or inappropriate request? Even when your child punishes you by telling you she "hates you or "won't love you any more if you don't give in to her way, you still have the ability to stick by your decision to answer your child's request with a firm "no response. No matter how hard your child tries to externally control you, you can make a reasonable decision.

So why do we think it is otherwise with children? Simply because our children are smaller, less experienced and younger does not mean they are any more easily controlled or manipulated using external rewards and punishments.

Peaceful Parenting® means you understand your children are internally motivated by their genetic instructions for safety, love, power, fun and freedom. Practicing Peaceful Parenting® means you understand that you are also internally motivated by your genetic instructions for safety, love, power, fun and freedom. Both parents and children experience the urge to control one another because parents and children are both born with the urge for power. Luckily we are also born with an urge for love. Our desire to stay connected with one another hopefully ameliorates our desire to win and control each other. Understanding this means the desire to follow Peaceful Parenting® ideas. It is harder, more challenging and more rewarding than trying to control our children using external control ideas. Peaceful Parenting® also is more respectful of your child
s capacities to learn and become a responsible adult.

About the Author
Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. established Peaceful Parenting, Inc. in 2000 to bring her knowledge and experience with effective parenting to the greatest number of parents and other caretakers of children. She developed the Peaceful Parenting® program from her 25 years of experience as a developmental psychologist, trainer and educator with The William Glasser Institute and as the mother of twin sons. Her genuine, warm and authentic teaching style is clear and concise, helping learners move from the theoretical to real life situations. peacefulparenting.com
Nancy@peacefulparenting.com

BABIES AND BEDDING:
What You Need to Know

One of the first purchases parents of new babies face is the crib and everything that goes with it. The presents from the baby shower will include many of these items and the market is huge for bumpers, mattresses, blankets, stuffed animals etc. But recently there has been some evidence to suggest that the bedding in an infant's crib may increase the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). This may be the result of the baby re-breathing air in an enclosed space such as under a blanket.

What is the risk of SIDS an when is it most likely to occur?
The occurrence of SIDS is rare during the first month of life, increases to a peak during the 2nd to 4th months of life and then declines. The incidence of SIDS is now .62/1000 live births.

What are some of the risk factors?
We have known for some time some of the risk factors for SIDS and they include prone sleep position (infants sleeping on their tummies), maternal smoking during pregnancy, and overheating. The Back to Sleep program, which began in 1992, has resulted in a 40% decrease in SIDS deaths in the US and other countries that have programs to have babies sleep on their backs.

What should I do to create a safe sleep environment?

The recommendations from both the Academy of Pediatrics and the First Candle/SIDS Alliance are:

Always place you baby to sleep on his or her back at nighttime and naptime.
Use a firm tight fitting mattress, in a safety approved crib, the mattress should be covered only with a sheet.

Remove all loose bedding, soft fluffy pillows, blankets, quilts, comforters, soft or pillow like bumpers, wedges, sheepskins, stuffed toys and other soft products.

Consider a wearable blanket instead of loose blankets.

Never place an infant on soft surfaces quilt, blanket, sofa, waterbed, pillow, soft mattress or mattress cover chair, cushion or a beanbag

Be careful not to overheat your baby with excessive clothing or bedding. And keep the room at a comfortable temperature, but not overheated. (65 to 71 degrees)

My baby rolls over and won't sleep on his/her back?

If your baby is rolling over he or she is probably older than 5 months and also has good neck control. Babies of this age can lift their heads up off a mattress. This may be why the rate of SIDS decreases sharply after 4 months. You can do your best, but the older the infant, the more likely the baby is to decide the sleep position.

My baby is attached to his blanket or stuffed animal?

If your baby has become attached to a "transitional object he or she is probably over 6 months of age, is less at risk for SIDS from rebreathing and can move the item away from his or her face.

What about co-sleeping?

Many families choose to co-sleep with their infants, especially if the infant is breastfeeding. Although the studies on whether co-sleeping increases or decreases an infant's risk of SIDS are inconclusive, an infant sharing the adult bed may be exposed to some other risk factors and should be done carefully. If a parent chooses to co-sleep, the same bedding concerns apply and parents should review the recommendations at www.firstcandle.org http://www.firstcandle.org .To facilitate breastfeeding the AAP recommends keeping the baby in a bassinet close to the mother's bed or in a small crib that attaches to the bed.

For more information on safe sleep practices for babies go the Academy of Pediatrics website www.aap.org http://www.aap.org to www.firstcandle.org http://www.firstcandle.org

About the Author

Dr. Mary Ann LoFrumento, MD, F.A.A.P., pediatrician, mother and author, has more than 20 years experience answering parents' questions about how to raise their children. After her pediatric residency at Babies Hospital Columbia Presbyterian, she started Franklin Pediatrics, in Morristown, NJ. For 17 years, she was the managing partner of this group, one of the largest pediatric groups in the state. She recently launched www.simplyparenting.com a book and DVD series designed to end parents' anxiety and insecurity and bring parenting back to basics. Previously a Clinical Assistant Professor at Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons, Dr. LoFrumento is currently an educator and attending physician at Goryeb's Children's Hospital in Morristown. Dr. LoFrumento resides in New Jersey with her husband and daughter.