emotions. While there might be a part of us that takes a child-like pleasure in the trappings of the holidays, many of us are equally overwhelmed by the pressures inherent in gift-giving and entertaining. It can almost be too much to handle if you must also worry about the behavior of your children. Starting with Halloween, kids are over-stimulated by all of the hoopla, and it doesn't help that their diets consist mostly of candy, cookies, and hot chocolate. Rather than fight it, grab a sugar-frosted snowflake and write out a plan for a stress free season!
Practice
If your children are of the "finger-lickin'-good variety and look down on using utensils at the dinner table, you could be in for trouble if their very first exposure to a salad fork is at the Thanksgiving table. Most of us have adapted to our hectic pace of living by having relaxed standards at the dinner table. That is fine as long as you don't expect Ritz Carlton manners in front of the in-laws. If you would like your children to use good manners on big occasions, the best way to ensure success is to practice ahead of time. Bake a chicken, make mashed potatoes, and have a pie on hand for authenticity. Show your children exactly how to hold a fork and knife, how to use their napkin, and explain how to conduct conversation during dinner. Once they've had a run-through with you, they'll feel more confident, and so will you.
Have Age-Appropriate Expectations
Much of the stress of the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations. We tend to expect too much from ourselves and our family members both adult and child. Adults are much better equipped, however, for handling high expectations. Children tend to feel bewildered and act out when it's clear that they're not pleasing their parents, and if they don't know why their behavior isn't pleasing, they won't know how to improve. Be sure that you take your child's age and experience into account. Don't expect a four year old to sit through an entire holiday meal with adults, and don't expect your nine year old to wash all of the heirloom china after dinner.
Share the Game Plan with your Children
Children are creatures of habit and do best when there is a comforting routine in place. The holidays by their very nature upset that routine. Realize that a change in school schedule, late night parties, and visiting relatives will disrupt your child's world for a time. Lessen the impact of the disruptions by sharing the schedule with your children in advance. Let them know what to expect. Make sure they understand what you expect of them in terms of their behavior. Ask them what they'll need to help them get through the event. Perhaps they want to be sure to have coloring books, their favorite stuffed animal, or the latest Harry Potter book with them. By working together with a common plan, you'll be sure that everyone's needs are met.
Set Small Goals and Rewards throughout the Festivities
If you've organized a marathon family gathering at one of your relative's houses, be sure that you help your child through the long day by setting small goals and providing rewards throughout the day. The rewards ought to include some one on one time with you, so that your child isn't tempted to act up in order to get your attention. Here are some examples of this type of reward system: If you sit quietly and play while I catch up with Aunt Harriet, I will take you outside to play catch for a few minutes. If you use proper manners at the dinner table, I will let you play with your cousin's video games until dessert is served. By breaking down the visit into manageable goals and providing small rewards and attention occasionally, you make your child feel more in control. You also show how much you appreciate their effort at behaving well.
Be Willing to Diffuse the Situation and Change Course
A final tip for harried parents is to not be afraid to take a break and alter your course. If your toddler has thrown one too many tantrums and it is ruining your feeling of holiday cheer, don't be afraid to leave the party early so your child can take a much-needed nap. No one benefits when your attitude is that you're going to stick it out no matter what. The needs of each family member must be taken into consideration each time you gather for a celebration. If you know that a quiet sit down dinner won't suit your newly verbal four year old, then offer to eat a small snack in the kitchen with your chatty child and join the adults for dessert instead. The key is to remain flexible.
Holidays are rich moments in each family's history. They can bring together family members of different generations, and they are times to reconnect with your traditions. Most of us have high expectations for these events and that can lead to stress if your children don't behave as well as you'd like. If you relax your expectations somewhat and give your children the tools they need to behave, the holidays just might be a carefree, joyous season for you and your family.
About the Author
Katie Basson is a parent, teacher, and creator of The BITs Kit Better Behavior Kit for Kids™. Katie teaches seminars on behavior modification techniques, and assists parents through challenging behavioral and educational issues. She serves on the Board of Directors of the YWCA and is an educational advisor to Zoesis, Inc., a children's software company. Katie's expert advice has been sought for articles in
The Boston Globe and
Parents Magazine. Sign up for her biweekly Parenting Solutions newsletter at
www.bitskit.com
