Child

Make Role Modeling a Hobby
by Michael G. Rayel, MD

Like in most families, children are around you everyday. Whatever you show to your children is what you teach and impart to them regardless of your intentions. In the eyes of your children, you are a teacher. Everyday you are teaching "live" - whether you like it or not. You're like a walking lecture in your child's life.

What are you willing to show to your child? What are you going to teach your child through you? Do you want to be credible?

The Best Way to Teach is to Model What You Preach
Parenting articles and books tell us that we should be role models for our kids. However, finding a reliable source on how we can become one is a challenge. Being a role model is not an easy task. It requires determination, self-control, self- reflection, and discipline.

One of the best ways to become a role model is to simply practice what you preach. Obviously, you can't tell your child not to smoke or drink when you smoke a pack a day or you have several drinks before going to bed. Likewise, you appear phoney to your kids if you advise not to use foul language when you criticize or verbally abuse your spouse at the dinner table.

Your Teachings Should be Followed by Action
"Talk is cheap," as the saying goes. Your advice is of most value to your children if you back your pronouncements with action. I know a father who preaches to his children not to punch back if they are hurt by a playmate but the same father never hesitates to grab his kitchen knife every time his neighbour in the same apartment building makes a noise.

Show your children the behaviour that you want them to show to others. Talk the way you want them to talk to others.
If you want your child to practice self-control, then you have to show self-control yourself. If you expect household rules to be followed, then don't violate these rules yourself.

Don't Preach Anything that You are Willing to Violate
Don't make a household rule that you can't follow. Never make a rule that you intend to break if no one is watching. A rule is only effective if it is consistent and properly implemented.

A rule is designed to establish order and harmony in the household. If you constantly break household rules, you are probably better off not having them. Try to be realistic. Make a rule that is reasonable and that everyone, including yourself, can easily follow.

Don't Create Rules that You Intend to Break If They are Inconvenient
Don't make a rule that you plan to violate regularly at your convenience. A rule is created to serve as a guideline regardless of whether it's convenient or not. However, don't be totally inflexible. As you now, there are exceptions to the rules.

Occasionally, you have to be flexible to accommodate these exceptions. For instance, I have a rule that food should not be brought into the bedroom. However, when one of my children is sick, then this rule does not apply. I'm not saying that we should be flexible all the time. In essence, there should be a compelling reason to break a rule.

Make Role Modeling as Your Passion
Make role modeling as your interest and passion. Enjoy doing it. Practice and master it. Observe how you speak and behave in front of your family. Make sure that the behaviour you show is the same behaviour you want your kids to learn and that your speech should reflect what you want to hear from them.

You can't preach that they should be happy and enjoy life when you're grouchy all the time. You can't teach your children good moral values if you're making a plan on how to cheat your neighbour - in front of your children's watchful eyes.

In the eyes of your children, you are a hero. They love to hear you and watch you. They love to be around you. They even love to be like you.

So watch out. Your speech and behaviour becomes your child. Commend yourself if your children turn out to be good people. But don't blame anyone if they show inappropriate behaviour. Remember - they are just trying to imitate you.

About the AuthorCopyright © 2004. Dr. Michael G. Rayel - author (First Aid to Mental Illness-Finalist, Reader's Preference Choice Award 2002) psychiatrist, and inventor of Oikos Game: A Personal Development and Emotional Skills Game. For more information, please visit http://www.oikosgame.com.

The 10 Commandments
of Family Harmony

by Mark Sichel, LCSW

Family feuds can cause depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, sadness, confusion and rage. No one wants to live like that! Here are some simple rules for turning family feuds into family fun. Try following some of the Ten Commandments of Family Harmony to find some familial relief.

l. THOU SHALT ZIP IT
Learn to think before you speak. Bite your tongue before that provocative remark comes out of your mouth and you get embroiled in a huge fight.

2. THOU SHALT CLEAN THY SPLEEN
Write a really hateful, nasty letter to your family, telling them all your resentments and rages. Drop the letter into your personal "dead letter box"; and move on with a smile on your face. :)

3. THOU SHALT LISTEN. THOU SHALT NOT DISPUTE
Hey, words are only words. Sometimes people vent frustration in inappropriate ways by going on wild diatribes. Don't get sucked down to their level. When your Mom blows her top and starts howling about the time you came home late when you were nineteen and how you never
come to see her any more and how Mrs. Johnson's daughter is SUCH a
better daughter than you... you can hear her out and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." When your mom cools off, she'll probably feel bad, but you won't have to. Avoiding that tit-for-tat argument kept you from having to spend a week in the "burn center."

4. THOU SHALT REMEMBER: GOOD FENCES MAKE FOR GOOD FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Create boundaries, set limits. You know how much contact you can take and how much will ignite your internal nuclear bomb.

5. THOU SHALT REMEMBER OCCASIONS AND EVENTS
It costs merely 34 cents postage by snail mail, zip if your family's on e-mail, to remember birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanzaa. Whatever the occasion, a card makes people feel remembered, and when people feel remembered, they feel loved and hence, another feud is avoided.

6. THOU SHALT NOT OVERREACT, EVER
When family members feel neglected, they often will present a scenario that invites your overreaction. Invites? Heck, BEGS for it! But remember -- overreactions can cause all-out wars. Don't do it!

7. THOU SHALT GIVE IN
If you want to win the war (or in our case, avoid the war all together), sometimes it's strategically advantageous to lose the battle. Assess a family situation carefully, strategize, and weigh your gains and loses in any given situation. For example, if your aging mom needs a weekly phone call to avoid starting a fight with you, why not give it to her? Is the inconvenience of the call really weightier than the inconvenience of a brawl? Practice artful dodging if necessary, call when you know she won't be there and leave a message telling her you love her and miss her. A little can go a long way.

8. THOU SHALT LET BREVITY AND PAUCITY BE THY MOTTO
In volatile families, keeping contact limited and utilizing a cordial and polite silence to avoid fights, can often extinguish the flames of conflict. Again, artful dodging is a useful tool. If your Dad calls and you can tell he's looking for trouble: "Got to go Dad, the Pastor's at the door for his annual visit. Speak to you later!"

9. THOU SHALT CHANT: "WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET"
Do not ever try to change your relatives. Remember, people can change themselves, but we cannot force another to change. Accept your family for who they are, whether you like them or not: trying to change another causes battles, poor self-esteem (because you're trying to do something that can't be done and are doomed to failure), and depression.

10. THOU SHALT STAY IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT
Take control of potentially volatile family situations and take charge of managing them. For example, if you come from an alcoholic family and you know that going out to dinner means that cocktail hour is the main course and family flambe is the dessert, arrange breakfast meetings where drinking won't occur.

About the Author
Copyright 2004: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health, and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book, Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit the author's website: www.marksichel.com

www.theadoptionguide.com ) to walk adopting families through all the steps to a successful adoption. The Planner includes a decision matrix to help families decide which type of adoption is right for them, budgeting tools, a time line, and worksheets to help families select an adoption agency and/or an adoption attorney.

Adoptive Families magazine is the nation's leading publication for pre/post-adoptive families. Since its beginning in 1994, Adoptive Families magazine's audience has grown from 8,000 to over 100,000 today. Over the past decade there has been a dramatically positive shift in the world of adoption.

"The societal changes signified by the changes in adoption over the last ten years are nothing short of extraordinary," says Adoptive Families magazine Publisher/Editor Susan Caughman. "Not only has there been a dramatic increase in the numbers of international, foster, and domestic adoptions each year, but, in addition, adoptive families now benefit from vastly increased public support, as well as tax benefits to support adoption costs and increased acceptance of both open and transracial adoption."

Here are some interesting figures that indicate society's increasing acceptance of adoption during the decade since Adoptive Families first went to press:

· The number of foster children adopted per year has nearly doubled, from 25,700 in 1995 to 51,00 in 2002.
· The percentage of Americans who approve of adoption has risen to 94%.
· 18 states have made open adoption agreements enforceable by law.
· The number of children adopted internationally each year has tripled, from 7,300 in 1993 to 22,000 in 2003.
· The Federal Tax Credit for adoption has risen from zero to more than $10,000 per adoption.

In an effort to help prospective adoptive parents through the sometimes arduous adoption process, Adoptive Families magazine has published a revised and updated Adoption Guide. The newly released 2005 Adoption Guide is seen as the premiere source of information for those seeking to adopt. This valuable resource includes a step-by-step overview of the adoption process, as well as up-to-date listings of hundreds of adoption agencies, support organizations, and attorneys nationwide. The Guide also has tips for adoptive parents who are considering adding another child to their family, information on the latest tax credit laws, post-adoption support service listings, and more. The Guide sports dozens of pages of useful information, including a review of recent trends in adoption law, helpful tips for making decisions about your adoption path, and real-life stories from those who have successfully adopted. In recent years, more than 50,000 annual copies of the Guide have been d! istributed through adoption agencies, attorneys' offices, infertility support groups, and adoption conferences nationwide.

About Adoptive Families
AF is published bi-monthly by New Hope Media and is a five-time winner of the Parent's Choice Award. Headquartered in New York City, AF magazine and its award-winning Web site reach over 500,000 people each month. For more information on Adoptive Families magazine and the 2005 Guide to Adoption, go to www.adoptivefamilies.com or call: (646) 366-0830.

By Deborah Shelton

Going to the doctor is no fun--not for adults and especially not for kids. Not only is the impending meeting with the doctor a little scary, but also the time spent in the waiting room can be excruciating for young children. Here are a few fun and super simple ways to beat the waiting room boredom blues.

* Waiting rooms are filled with magazines. Use this time to help children practice their reading skills. Have your child read the headlines and text aloud to you (not too loudly!).

* Play a simple game of Tic-Tac-Toe! Have a tournament: the best 3 out of 5 games wins...or depending on how long you're waiting for the doctor, it could be the best 5 out of 7, or more.

* Bring along a gallon-sized Ziploc baggie and a few dry-erase or washable markers. Slip a sheet of blank paper or an entire magazine into the baggie. If you use a magazine, don't tear out pages (even though most doctor offices receive free magazine subscriptions, it's just not polite to tear them). Trace the magazine cover through the plastic. Wipe the baggie clean with a tissue and start over
with a new picture.

* Try to stump each other with word scrambles. Use a pencil and piece of paper to rearrange the letters of a word, and then decipher them.

* Play Find-A-Feeling: Ask your child to look through a magazine and find a happy person. Discuss why they think the person is happy, sad, upset, etc., (ask them for
examples such as facial expressions and body language). This will help your child recognize and acknowledge the feelings of others.

About the Author
Deborah Shelton is the author of The Five Minute Parent: Fun & Fast Activities for You and Your Little Ones. Visit The Five Minute Parent for fun rainy-day activities, family links, and a free email newsletter filled with craft ideas, guest articles, contests and so much more!

http://www.fiveminuteparent.com