Tips for a healthy marriage

5 Keys to a Long-Term,
Healthy Marriage
by Neill Neill

No one expects to have problems in their marriage. In fact, many marriages start off as good marriages. But, over time, some marriages can turn stale or even hostile. At any given time, vast numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once-healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage that lasts.

If you were to explore, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can cause problems in a marriage, but neglecting these points can really put your marriage at risk.

1. Look after yourself first.
If you place your highest priority on your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual self care, you won't wake up one morning to realize you have been a household servant or a meal ticket for the past decade.

Encourage each other in self-care from the beginning and in times of greatest need you will be able to really count on each other. If you have neglected self care in your life, you or your partner may not be willing to work on your marriage when the going gets tough.

Your highest priority has to be to take care of yourself at all levels. Do whatever you need to do. Self-care is the ultimate in unselfishness.

2. Do not merge your identities.
Always remember that each of you is a person in your own right. You have an identity.

Women in many cultures are particularly vulnerable to the trap of merging their identities with their partner's, but men fall into it too. We call it "codependency" when identities merge.

If you find yourself already slipping into merger, work on getting out of it. Always defend strongly your partner's right and your own right to be your own persons. Merged identities are incompatible with a healthy marriage.

3. Enjoy the show.
Pay attention to the changes in your partner as he or she evolves throughout life, and enjoy the show. There will often be spurts of personal growth and sometimes periods of stagnation, but the constant is change. That's the flow of life.

It's truly fun to watch our kids grow. Why should watching our partners grow be any different?

There is nothing to be afraid of. In an intimate relationship you have the privilege and opportunity to observe up close the twists and turns your partner will go through as he or she evolves.

Everyone changes; it's just that the changes are more subtle in a 45 year old than in a 15 year old.

Support the growth even if you don't understand it. Expect your partner to support you too as you evolve.

When I hear someone say, "He's not the man (or woman) I married," I know they are missing this crucial point. If they say, "I can't change--that's just the way I am," they are missing the point at an even more fundamental level.

4. Never stop doing things together for fun and laughter.
No matter how difficult and serious life gets at times, never stop doing things together for fun--things that make you laugh. Laughter is a requirement of any satisfying life. Laughter with a partner is part of the cement that can keep you together for a lifetime. Neglect it at your peril!

5. If you want more excitement, take up skiing . . .
Stay deserving of your partner's trust by steadfast fidelity. No matter what, don't have an affair. It offers a very temporary burst of excitement, but it is an assault few marriages can survive. (Many times an affair is staged simply to end a marriage.)

To rebuild trust and commitment after an affair you will probably need professional help, and even then there are no guarantees you will ever regain the level of trust you once had.

If you are an excitement junkie, find a more respectful way to get adventure.

Take time today to remember why you first got married. Most marriages are worth the work for a healthy, satisfying end result.

About the Author
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice, helping capable people who feel stuck. He is psychological consultant to the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a private addiction rehab center for men. Dr. Neill writes practical articles to help you help yourself to a happier and more fulfilling life. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide . http://www.neillneill.com

Date Your Mate
10 Ideas for New Moms
by Arlene Pellicane

When baby makes three, someone is often left out. Can you guess who? Where does the new father, former star of his home, fit into this new world of round the clock feedings, diapers, and laundry?

Mothers can be very baby centered and for good reason. After all, when God creates little babies, He makes them irresistible, maybe so mothers will endure the rigors of taking care of them.

Yet even during the first months of life with baby, it's important to nurture your marriage. The stronger your bond is with your mate, the more secure and happy your baby will be. Dates don't have to be elaborate, expensive or even outside of your own home. New parents have to be creative about spending quality time together, even if it is just for a few moments.

Here are ten free or almost free ideas to choose from:

1. Look through old photos from your dating days. Reminisce about your first date. What were you wearing? Where did you go? What was your first impression?

2. Share a scoop of ice cream together. Use one bowl and two spoons. Talk about the highlight and low light of your day.

3. Cuddle up and have a movie night for mom (chick flick). The next week, have a movie night for dad (action, drama or comedy).

4. List 5 things you love about your spouse. Exchange lists over a glass of sparkling cider.

5. Get a baby sitter and walk around the park hand in hand without the stroller. Kiss at the swings.

6. Heat up some massage oil and give your spouse a massage.

7. Have a candlelight dinner in your home or backyard.

8. Go to a coffee shop together. Talk about how you can meet one another's needs better.

9. Take a hot bubble bath.

10. After the kids are asleep, take a blanket out to the backyard. Lie down and watch the stars together.

As you can see, you don't need a lot of time or money to date your mate. Any of these things can be done even with a new baby. You just have to be intentional about planning special moments together. Don't exchange romance for a diaper bag when you can have both. Just look your husband in the eye, hold hands, shut out the rest of the world from time to time, and date.

Visit Arlene's website for FREE resources to help you lose weight after baby at www.losingweightafterbaby.com and blog at losingweightafterbaby.wordpress.com