A woman recently used this statement in response to one of my articles, "good men don't grow on trees". So very true, but how we wish this was so. If they did, our task of selecting a male companion would be so much easier. And in a world filled with human decadence, how does a woman go about choosing a good man?
We also know that good men are not perfect because they are human. Like us they are not flawless, but in their imperfections good character must always shine forth. The interesting thing about character is that it is not always linked to his family's background or his personal history. These aspects, by all means, may shape him but not necessarily define him. Yet, many women are concerned with these things, his education, his finances, his career, the year and make of his car, etc. But all of this can be a trap. It may detract us from looking at the most valuable aspect of a man: his character. This is the most valuable clue: you can always judge a man by his character.
Don't fall into the trap of looking at book covers. You can never judge a book by his cover. Sometimes the book with the least attractive cover and the most unimpressive title is the one that carries the greatest depth. Women have been trained to look at a man's outward appearance- in particular his physical configuration. So, we set ridiculous parameters (and men are definitely guilty of this too) for skin tone, type of hair, height, nationality etc. But, we do not know how to look at a man's soul. Yet, it is his soul that will tell us about his character.
Is he willing to give up his last dime to make you happy? Is he willing to work hard for the survival of your relationship? Is he willing to cut ties with a friend who has hurt you? Is he willing to stand up and defend your love? Will he be a good father? Is he open to spiritual growth? Is he spiritually compatible? Does he respect your mind? Will he be there for you emotionally as well as financially? It is only a man's character that gives us the answers to the questions that really matter.
Good men come in all languages, sizes and colors. In this world of enormous diversity, I have become an advocate of love can come from unexpected places. I always felt that people should marry their own kind, and I strongly believed this for a long time. I now believe that if love comes elsewhere one should follow. The problem with marrying out of one's race or ethnicity is if one does this as a way of erasing one's own reality. Anyone who marries for their offspring to be of a certain skin tone or for them to have certain hair texture, or to be considered of a certain status, or to rebel against their parents or society has not entered a marriage but a dangerous artificial compromise. In those cases, marriage occurred for the wrong reason. But if a culturally/ racially/ethnically different man is willing to love you and cherish you and treat you with dignity and respect, he is a good man, hold fast to him.
How strong is he at the core of his being? Strong enough to set you gently straight when you both know that you are wrong? Or will he for fear of retribution allow you to continue making a fool of yourself?
And, how flexible is he? How willing is he to incorporate those things that you suggest will make him an even better person? Does he have bad habits that he's not willing to relinquish? Only his character will show.
Unfortunately, good men don't grow on trees. If they did, there would be no need for women to be become wise in this enterprise of choosing a man. For, a wise woman does choose wisely. She chooses to wait until a good man comes, and to live her life fully even if a good man never comes. Therefore, the most important task that a wise woman will undertake in her lifetime is to settle for nothing less than a good man. Not a perfect man, but a good man.
About the Author
Norka Blackman-Richards is a writer, educator, and sought-after motivational speaker on women issues. A member of the National Association of Women Writers, she is also the founder and president of
www.4realwomen.com
